Bad Days

Now where were we? The story of my love’s transition and my transition is so fuzzy and strange at times. Sometimes I read the stories of other partners just learning their partners are trans, usually on reddit, r/mypartneristrans and I remember how it all felt. Mostly I remember the grief. How do you deal with losing the person you came to know and love most in the world? It can feel like a death. I talked to my wife about this once. She scrunched up her face. “But I’m still here.” Yes. You are. “You didn’t lose me.” But I did. I lost my husband. His smell. His body. His way of being in the world. The way I felt when we had sex, even if it turns out he didn’t feel the same. I lost my place as the protected wife. So I’m sad sometimes. There are things I miss. Grieving for someone who’s still right there is odd. And it really irritates my wife. Which I get. She thinks I don’t love the new her completely if I miss my husband. I don’t think that’s true. I love them both.

These days I don’t feel grief much anymore. My wife is just my wife. I guess that’s how things go. Grief fades. And of course she was right, she is still here. If I was hoping (ok yes I was hoping) for transition to take away her anxiety and tendency towards obsession and hatred of Sunday’s that didn’t happen. So we are muddling along. More on the muddling later. As usual I’ve accepted everything faster than she has.  Could we just transition already?

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