So you might notice I switch from “he” to “she” and sometimes “husband” to “wife.” Here’s the deal with pronouns and gendered terms. Some trans people care A LOT about being properly gendered, meaning that people use “he” or “she” based on how they identify. If someone tells you they wish to be identified as female or male you should USE THE PRONOUN THEY REQUEST. Not doing so is rude. Similarly if someone changes their name you should use their new name. But if you make a mistake, apologize and move on. It’s ok. Good faith matters. Perfection isn’t possible.

My use of pronouns and gendered terms in this blog and in life isn’t political. It’s practical and part of the process of confusion and transition in our life. Because my wife isn’t living as a women and very few people know, I am extremely careful to say “he” and “husband” in public, on social media, and with anyone who doesn’t know. But I think of my wife as a girl. However, this blog is in part about my process of coming to terms with transition. Part of that is trying to figure out what pronouns to use. In our private communication I use “girl” and “wife” and female emoji. In the interests of consistency I will try to do so here going forward but when talking about my process I think it’s important to use “husband” when explaining how complex this process has been for me. I was married to a man for seventeen years.

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