When you figure out you are trans deciding who you should tell or if you should tell anyone is complicated. If you tell the wrong person you could lose your job, be the victim of violence, or get kicked out of your home. For us the decisions were more subtle. We own our house. We have relatively safe jobs, although you can never be sure. But deciding if we should tell anyone terrified me. On the one hand I felt like I should tell people. It seemed honest. It seemed like my relationships with family and friends could suffer if I was hiding something like this. But not least of all because I needed someone else to talk to. However, my terror won out and I told no one. Well, I told my therapist. But I stayed silent other than that. I didn’t tell my mother, my sister, my friends. And my relationships did suffer. I cut myself off a little. Maybe a lot. Because how do you talk to people when the biggest thing going on in your life is something you aren’t talking about?
Until recently that stayed true for both of us. We told no one. Then my spouse decided to tell his best friend from college. By email. And I was terrified.