Life goes on so transition was not the only thing happening in our lives. Although it often seemed that way.
My cat was sick and I was taking care of him constantly. I was sick. I was having constant bleeding and pain. It seemed ironic that my basis of my femininity was causing me so many problems while my husband tried to transition. But I didn’t have tons of time to think about it while I rolled around in pain. I finally started down a long road of going to doctors and having tests, an extremely traumatic process for me because I was a sick kid and I’ve never gotten over my fear of doctors. So between me going to the doctor and taking the cat to the vet it was fun times.
For one lovely weekend break from all of this the Women’s March took place and all my old friends came into town. I felt like Cinderella. Then the spell ended and I was back in my life.
All of this was pretty much taking up all my brain power so I wasn’t very focused on my business or my workout plan. While means my routine went to hell. Never good for me. Too much crisis, too little self care leads to a crash. And I was headed for a crash.
Unlike many other crashes in my life this one took place kind of in slow motion. I just kind of stopped sleeping. Well that’s normal. I never sleep much. But gradually the physical pain and emotional pain and PTSD all wore me down to the point where I wasn’t really functioning. I was just moving through life like a zombie. Hoping no one would notice. I didn’t feel much of anything. But I knew there was pain I wasn’t feeling being pushed into the pit in my stomach and waiting to come back up.
I wasn’t much fun to be with or spend time with. I think my spouse assumed this was all about the transition. But mainly the physical pain was grating on my nerves to the point I couldn’t think or function without being a total bitch. I tried. But I was largely unsuccessful.